The Science of Elves
by Chanra
Summary: This is what you get when you have a really bored author who is obsessed with LOTR, and a science project due in a week. It has been done before by someone else *not for people who are squimish about blood, nothing is held in a graphic manner*


AUTHOR'S NOTE: I would just like to ask that no one report me to PETE (People for the Ethical Treatment of Elves.) Although this experiment has not been conducted before, I can assure you that no live elves were harmed- to a certain extent. Please do NOT perform this experiment on anything or anyone.  
  
This is what you get when you have a bored author with way to much time on her hands after reading and watching LOTR and a science project due in three days.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing except for the story plot, which doesn't exist. It is a PWP (plot? What plot?) story.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------  
  
~THE DISSECTION OF A COMMON WOOD ELF~  
  
QUESTION: What organs do wood elves have or do not have that makes them different from humans? And what allows elves to walk on snow? And lastly, how high is an elf's pain tolerance...?  
  
HYPOTHISIS: There is no hypothesis because I don't know and am too stupid to make a guess.  
  
MATERIALS: Wood Elf (Preferably Silvian or Sindar), sharp utensils, and General Anesthesia (although this experiment can be preformed without anesthesia. If so, add restraints, ear plugs and any utensil that can perform fatal wounds.)  
  
PROCEDURE: (Video taped)  
  
SCIENTIST: Now, I will be performing this experiment with two elves, just in case experiment goes amiss in the first trial. Our first subject is a Silvian elf by the name of Legolas. He is about two thousand years, but I never bothered to ask him, so it doesn't matter.  
  
*Elf glares at camera; he is strapped to an operating table, wearing nothing but a pair of checkered boxers. He defiantly does not seem very pleased about it. (In no way is this implying to anything SLASH)*  
  
Anyways, if you are performing this experiment without Anesthesia, it is a good idea to restrain your elf now. If you are killing him or her a slow and painful way, which is not recommended and quite inhumane, not to mention it takes more time, it is important to gag your elf and place ear plugs in your own ears. This helps prevent ear damage from Elven screams of agony, which are quite loud to human ears.  
  
And now, back to the experiment. It is a good idea to blindfold your subject to save them from the trauma of seeing their internal organs--  
  
LEGOLAS: I know exactly what is going to happen to me, besides I'll be asleep. I have just one question, what is my percent of getting out of this experiment alive?  
  
SCIENTIST: Little to none. Alright, moving on, and now you blindfold your subject...  
  
LEGOLAS: I wish to remain un-blindfolded; I want to view my fate.  
  
SCIENTIST: As I said before, moving on. Now, sedate your subject...  
  
*A mask is placed over Legolas' nose, and he struggles, but soon falls limp against the table, snoring gently.*  
  
SCIENTIST: Due to some people's disgust in blood, we will switch from video to a written procedure. *examines various sharp objects on a tray then picks up one that resembles a hunting knife and walks towards the elf*  
  
WRITTEN PROCEDURE  
  
The author will not continue to describe the procedure, because she finds it boring and uneventful. But the real reason is because she is squeamish about blood as well, and will not record what is going on. Also, she is afraid of a screaming crowd that will come if she describes how everyone's favorite elf is dissected. But she will write what is going on in short:  
  
IN SHORT: Proceed to do exploratory surgery, search for organs which seem foreign or absent. When you've gotten your answer, stitch up the incision you made. Allow your patient to sleep, when the subject wakes, it is important to give pain killers. (Peptol bismol also seems to still pain in elves quite efficiently.) (*Author throws up* a bit graphic for my liking.)  
  
OBSERVATIONS: There seemed to be a large amount of red liquid leaking from the incision. It was later identified as blood.  
  
CONCLUSION: We found out that and Elf's innards are the same as a man's. It is still a mystery why they are immortal, and how they walk on snow. Since we have another elf, we will perform this experiment over again on our extra subject: Haldir of Lorien... We also found that an elf's pain tolerance is quite high, but we so unfortunately pushed our first subject, Legolas, past his limit. He is now under the care of Elrond, Lord of Rivendell. Our last report says that he is in a coma and his pulse it very slow and slurred, but we're sure he will just be fine.  
  
VARIABLES: One variable was the anesthesia; a stronger form should be used because the patient woke several times during procedure. It is also a good idea to gag your patient even though he or she is not awake, because when they wake up, they usually shout because we didn't bother to freeze anything and they can feel everything. Maybe we should do that next time...  
  
APPLICATION: This material is simply useless and has no point in the real world.  
  
ACKNOWLEGEMENTS: No elves we harmed in the making of this experiment... er... fanfic. Legolas is fine and is attending the Council of Elrond at this very moment. Haldir is has also returned back to Lorien. Both vowing never to attend in a scientific experiment as long as they shall live, which is forever. And by that time, we'd probably have already figured out the questions we wanted to know.  
  
THE END  
  
----------------------------  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Do you think if I handed this in to my teacher, I would get an A? 


End file.
